IRISH CHICKS RULE!!!!!

my hatred for raleigh

Sun, 25 May 2008 04:12:30 GMT

So yeah I hate Raleigh more than ever. And to make it even worse, the hatred grows by the day. Almost 5 years ago I got here thinking it was the beginning of something new and well it was a good beginning for the most part. Freshmen year was full of nights hanging out watching movies, late night rips to a 24 hour wal-mart, and meeting new people. Outside of school, I had a not so great freshmen year or at least end to it with my grandmother. Sophomore year wasn't too bad, met more new people with band, met steph, and (yes this was good) I learned that things that may seem good doesn't always mean that they are and that they are meant to be. Junior year, was the starting of the downfall. I began to realize that I didn't have as many friends in band like I wanted. Those that I started band with weren't people I really enjoyed being around because of the maturity difference a lot of the time and people my age in band already had their cliques that I never really became a part of. Yeah there are a group of people that I would hang out with during band things and pep band/marching band trips but when you think about it that is really the only time I hung out with most people from band. 3 people that I knew before I started band are the only ones that I really still hang out with. Senior year was just terrible. I couldn't stand the person I was living with most of the time, people slowly started not letting me know wen things were going on a lot of the time, i worked my ass off for the band and they showed no thanks for the most part. Now here I am, hating the jobs that I have found because they are so below what I am capable of but people don't think you are as capable as you say you are when you are a recent graduate with a degree that you can do nothing with without more education. And now there are 3 people who mainly let me know what is going on on the weekends. There are a few other people that get up with me to hang out from time to time but mostly these 3 people. And now weekends like this when I am stuck in Raleigh because I don't have the money or the parents paying for my gas to go places and do things and those three people aren't here so I don't get told about anything going and even worse no one even fucking calls me to see if I want to do anything. I understand why they aren't here but I know there are people here or just aren't letting me know what is going on. I thought I had friends but now I am starting to rethink that. I can't sit there and call people friends when they never call me to even talk. I ended a friendship that I had had for about 13 years because they never made an effort to talk or see me unless I initiated something.

I know if i go out somewhere by myself I'll just end up drinking my sorrows away and doing something foolish. I have already been foolish enough while I've lived in Raleigh I don't need to continue it now as I am getting ready to move. I know I have messed some things up in my life and as much as I want to I can't go back and change them but I still try. I just wish things would be a little more happier for my last few months here but it doesn't seem like they will. Seriously people are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't even fucking say what is going on when I put on my facebook status that I want something to do this weekend and no one even says anything to me. Let's see here over 24 hours ago I made a note on there and one person has said something to me about it and that person lives in England right now so they weren't saying lets hang out, they were giving me a bit of advice. I can't wait until people actually let me know what is going on wherever I am at. I honestly feel like no one even wants to hang out and watch a movie at their place or my place and that feeling sucks even more. I haven't had an easy life by any means and it seems like wherever I am the majority of people I met don't try to make my life any easier. I'm just sick of this shit so much. I'm starting to wonder if I should even do something for my birthday because with my luck everyone is just going to happen to be out of town that weekend and then make it even worse not even try to see me before I move. since i told everyone that I was moving very few people have made an effort to see me and one of them moved the other week to Boston and wanted to see me before he moved too.

What do I Want?

Mon, 19 May 2008 20:33:37 GMT

Here I am, less than 2 months away from being the dreaded age of 23 and I have not a clue what I want with life right now. I know I am moving to Baton Rouge in 2 1/2 months because I know I have to get out of North Carolina and moving to a place that I know a few people is better than moving where I know no one. But what type of job do I want. I know that I want to go back and get a second BA in International Studies and then work on getting a job in preferably DC. I know with that I could enter the corporate world by doing international relations but I'm not sure if corporate america is where I want to be. I have contacted two Methodist Churches in Baton Rouge about youth Ministry Positions, both the churches are looking for assistant youth leaders, which is probably a better place to start off. From looking at the websites for the churches they both to seem churches that I would enjoy to be part of. If I get one of these positions, I would have to find out if it would be full or part time and then go from there. If it is part time then I would have to another job and if it is full time I might still look into something that was part time. With the price of gas living isn't cheap.
What do I want when it comes to relationships is another good question. For a while now I have been wanting to have a serious long term relationship, more exactly it's been since my soph year of college. I know some things I have done haven't portrayed that but some of those things were with the hope that I could end up in a relationship with the guy. I met an awesome guy back in the fall but I'm not really sure what happened. Some of my friends will say that me and him were talking and that we had a date (he took me to coldstone one night) but ever since he met my brother and saw how close we are and in return to that I told him somethings about my trust issues and my trying to be a better person things have been no where near the same. I still think he is an awesome guy because he didn't do anything that hurt me I just think he didn't know what to do when I started to let him see the me that I hide from so many people. I think that in the future I might need to open up a little sooner and not make things with me seem so great. If this guy came to me saying he wanted to see where things went between us I would agree in a heartbeat because I don't seem to meet the great guys that often. But I guess right now, besides the hope I have that something with him might happen, about all that would really work for me is just someone to date because there is really not enough time before I move for me to gain a strong serious relationship with someone here. At the same time I have to be open to anything happening but we'll see what happens.

i'm back

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 04:11:16 GMT

So I think I'm gonna start using this again. However, I think the really personal stuff with stay on myspace for my preferred reader list.

For right now, I need to know who is going to the red and white game. I wanna go but don't have to go with band for once in my life but want to hang out with people while I am there. I got my godson's birthday party in the morning so I won't get there until 12:30 for any sort of tailgating but let me know what is goin on.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 21:01:54 GMT

so it's been a while hasn't it. i have nothing better to do right now since the damn OTC drugs aren't working for me. oh the joys of having a cold. yet it stopped me from going to work and class today but I am still going to the women's basketball game tonight, yeah getting points to go to tampa over spring break is more important then my health. but what's been going on lately lets see here. I've been babysitting one night every weekend and the people i babysit for are taking me to disney with them in december to watch the kids in the evenings for them. i'd be going into the parks and everything with them. looks like we are flying down there, but I will probably find out more sunday when i babysit. state's football team has just pissed me off. there is no consistancy, I would rather know we are going to lose every week then win big games and lose games we should have won. seriously check out www.firechuckamato.com to see that other people feel the same way that i do. the band is doing great though. i have started to expand the sections i hang out with. i no longer just talk to clarinets and baritones. i have become friends with a few people on the drum line and what not. i sware i'm like the band mom to all these kids. i even sew there uniforms to fix teh length. and not lets forget the day the directo shows up with a hole along his inner seem of his pants and wants me to fix it.
but i still don't know what to do with one situation i have gotten myself into. i kindof talked to fred about it last week and he told me to pray about it and it will work itself out in the end. i also kindof talked to him about what went on between us my freshmen year. and i was shocked to find out that he didn't think i was a bitch in how i just stopped talking to him that summer. even though i really have no clue why i did this, i guess it was just for the better that we stopped what we were doing. he's actually never seen me as a bitch and has always thought that i'm a good person. it was nice to have that come from him with the things i have done in my life. i believe i did some wrong things to him but i guess if he has found out about them he doesn't see the wrong that i see in me. i really enjoyed the conversation i had with him. i would really like to go back to the friendship we had when we first met, before we started doing stuff.
i have registered for next semester, actually i did this a while ago now. but i am taking Islam, Chinese religious, a communications class, and a lit class. the lit class i really want was closed by the time i got online but i am hoping i will be able to get into it in the first week of classes because i ended up signing up for one i don't think i will enjoy as much. i wish i could take a children's lit for this credit cause i would really enjoy that, especially after me and kelly's adventure in the children's section of barnes and noble and searching out books we enjoyed reading when we were kids.
but that time of year is upon me now. the band ball is coming up yet again. it is on december 2nd and i need a date. i know i could probably talk to some people in band about this but i'm not sure about that. there is one guy in particular in band that i've thought about talking to but i'm still not sure about it, but i need to hurry up and figure it out since the last day to buy tickets is the 20th. i'll figure something out soon, i guess. i already have a dress seeing as i am wearing my dress from mama and keiths wedding.
next semester wind ensemble looks to be interesting. atleast half the clarinets in there this semester won't be here next semester. which leaves what i play up to garcia and where he needs me. so i really have no clue what i'll be playing. i think i will audition the the Bb clarinet in hope that would show him what i would rather play but I'll have to figure that out in january. i have copies of the music from this semester that i have been messing around with so i will just have to see.
but i think i'm gonna go do some things now.

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 23:15:16 GMT

saturday around the end of the frist quarter my phone rings and it's my girl scout leader from high school. She is trying to get up with my mom to share some news about one of the other girl scout leaders from brunswick county. The news being she had passed away on friday. About a year ago she was diagnosed with epilepsy and while her and her husband were stopped at a hotel in sc on their way back from florida she had an epileptic seizure. Her husband took her to the hospital and they were unable to stabalize her and she passed away. This wasn't just another one of the girl scout leaders in brunswick county but it was mine from middle school. Not only that but her husband was my brothers boy scout leader for a while and she worked with the troop there as well. The funeral is at Oak Island tomorrow and I can't make it. If it were a fmaily member that died I would miss my classes but with the classes that I have missing them right now would not do me any good. My mom was able to get the afternoon off from work tomorrow so she will be leaving around 11:30 to go to Southport. From what she told me her and other girl scout leaders will be there in uniform and it would not surprise me if girls showed up in uniform as well.
This is 2 of 3 and it was exactly a month after the first death. They come in groups of three and I hate that fact. And what bothers me the most is I know that at any time my great mother could pass away seeing as she is almost 98 and surpassed odds of living more then a year after breaking a hip at her age.
Please pray for the Derr family and for the Brunswick County Girl Scout Service Unit.

life

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 17:14:56 GMT

In the past month or so I have realized some things about life. Our parents as much as they got on our nerves when we were growing up they were doing it for a reason. We never know when we will lose them, for some of us it will be 20-30 years from now but for others it could be next week. this hit close to me when one of my friends lost their month a few weeks after their 21st birthday. It was unexpected for her and her family and she now will have to graduate college with out her mom sitting in the front row taking 20 pictures of her walking across the stage, she will not have her mom to help her plan her wedding, and so many other things. We take our parents for granted and then realize this after they are gone. A week and a half after my friends mom passed away I was on the phone with my older brother and he was saying how he was taking everyone, my mama and step dad, out to dinner and that I should head on down there to. And I did because I don't know hot often I will see my mom before the holidays. I know I will see her when I go home to vote in a few weeks but other then that with my schedual and her schedual it is hard to see her.
Another thing that I have been thinking about a lot is marriage. I did not tell a lot of people something Tyler did in May because I did not want to hear all the shit from them about on you okay and blah blah blah. I'm over him more then I ever thought I would be. Upon returing from a 4 month deployment he proposed to a girl he had been dating for about 9-10 months. All seems fine with that. Until they got married at the court house days later. I still do not know their reasoning behind this because the conversations that we have are short and we just talk about big things we don't have time to get into detail with most parts of our lives. they were already planning on moving in together when he returned to charleston. However, now he wishes he had waited to take things between them to the level of marriage. AFter living with her for 3 1/2 months he realized that he could not stand living with her and left her. By the time my best friend is 23 he will be divorced. Scary thing to think about. This has made me realize how often in today's world people jump into marriages they are not ready for. And we wonder why the divorse rate is so high. People marry quickly before really getting to know the person in many cases and then after living with the person they know that person is not the one for them. And then these people go on to the next person. I always knew I did not want to get married at a young age because of my parents marriage but I have decided now that I would much rather date a person for a few years before marrying them then getting engaged less then a year after we start dating and then married within another year. Another thing about marriage that [isses me off is when people get married because they feel it is the right thing to do because t he girl got pregnant. Seriously people stop getting married just because of a kid. If you don't know if that person is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you should not be putting yourselves in a place to get pregnant. Take birth controll, use condoms...there are more then enough ways in todays world to prevent pregnancy so why can't more people use them.

On a happier note dealing with marriage Regan and Tony got engaged last month. They are planning on getting married May of 2008, why can't more people wait that long. And I'm not only a brides maid bt the maid of honor. so yeah another wedding for me to be in. These next 10 years or so are going to be filled with so many weddings to be in and go to I am going to crazy I think.
but gotta get to class now

emotions

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 02:42:32 GMT

for so long I wanted to find a guy that I could be emotinoally involved with so in hope I could get over of being scared to death over having real feelings for a guy beyond just having a little crush on some cute guy that i randomly meet. Well then I ended up making out with a guy one night and that night i thought that i didn't know what i wanted for the past couple of years. i thought i had been looking for the wrong thing. i thought that maybe that is all i am ever suppose to have is guys to have fun with and nothing serious. i thought no wonder why i haven't kissed a guy in a year i was wanting the wrong thing with guys. well then a month later i make out with the said guy again. and ever since then it has been an emotional rollar coaster for me. i have no clue how he feels about me but i also don't know what to say. one drunk night i sent him a message saying some pretty nasty things. when i looked at what i typed when i was sober the next day i regretted sitting down at my computer. it took me a week to say anything to him after that because i had to realize that i was wrong in what i said and i had to try and right what i did wrong. well i have tried to right what i said and yeah nothing. the last month of the summer if you had asked me what i wanted out of what happened one night with him i would have said whatever comes of it, it doesn't matter. if we just happen to make out on occasion it would have been fine by me and if nothing ever happened again it would be fine with me and if something more envolved happened well lets just hope i dont get scared and run away. then i never wanted the feelings that i have now. i don't know why I have them and to be honest at this point in time i don't want these feelings. i have nothing to show for them it seems like. i know i have done some very wrong things. not only did i say some mean things but at a party a few weeks ago because i couldn't make out with him that night i made out with some random guy who not only was a terrible kisser but was trying his damnist to get something i said he would not be getting from me. i can't change what i did and i know that but i wish i could. i wish i could go back and not say what i said but i can't. for some reason i want him more then anything. even through all of this i want something with him. i feel like i am going crazy because i don't know if i can have him. i know this sounds really odd but i think i know what tyler went through with me now. he cared about me more then i could imagine and he fucked up a couple of times and knew it and he didn't know if i would ever forgive him and give him another chance. i am sure things got worse for him when he thought he'd get that chance. b/c for a while i went on like he never kissed me until he got the nerves to ask me why i let him do it because he thought i used him. he thought i could do that, he knows that i can be the biggest bitch in the world and he wasn't about to let me slide if i had done that b/c a lot of my actions following that did imply that i had done that to him even though i didn't. so why can't i get up the nerves and call this guy and ask him what his motives are behind what has happened. if tyler did it why can't i.
maybe this guy will see this i don't know. but i hope he does and i hope even more that i find out some stuff soon b/c i am sick of not knowing anything except what happened and how i have come to feel. i don't even know what i sound like with this besides some pathetic girl who is willing to do anything to get a guy she likes.
i am sure my bottle of wine is cold by now and i have a bath to draw because nothing makes a girl feel better about a guy then a buddle bath, cnadles, and a bottle of wine.

boredom

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 03:17:06 GMT

NEXTS

1. Next person you'll kiss: i can hope for one person but i don't know if it will be
2. Next movie you want to see: not really sure
3. Next person you want to go out with: who knows
5. Next time you're going out: i think i'm goin to a party this weekend
6. Next place you'll take vacation: maybe florida if we don't go on a bowl trip if not there st. francisville, LA
7. Next thing you are going to do after filling this survey out: sleep
8. Next thing you are going to eat: bowl of special K w/ berries in the morning
9. Next time you plan to be drunk: this weekend maybe
10. Next thing you are going to do outside: walk from my door to my car
11. Next person you'd like to see fill this out: i don't care i'm bored right now

LASTS:

1. Last kiss: i'm not really sure i don't remember the order i kissed people that night
2. Last person you hugged: not really sure
3. Last person you spoke to: on the phone: mi madre
4. Last alcoholic beverage: barcardi watermelon
6. Last movie: jarhead
7. Last person you thought of: michael
8. Last school you went to: NCSU
9. Last person you said I love you to: besides family and close friends it would have to be tyler
10. Last run in with the Law: back in feb i got interviewed for teh cops about something that i was not a part of
11. Last fight you were in: when i was little
12. Last bar/club/concert/party you went to: last bar: east village last club: the rox last concert: Kenny Chesney last party: brooke's the other weekend
13. Last person you IMed: dehtail
14. Last thing you ate: sweet jesus...we had worship at wesley tonight
15. Last thing you saved up money for: car

Firsts

1. First kiss: Tyler Smith
2. First true Love: Tyler Smith
3. First heartbreak: Abram Young
4. First car: 1992 Ford Mustang LX
5. First pet: guppies in first grade
6. First computer: i don't remember
7. First concert: first one i really remember is REM
8. First alcoholic beverage: Strawberry dacorri winecooler
9. First time you stayed out all night: not really sure
10. First best friend: Kayla Sparks
11. First job: file clerk at naber dodge
12. First school: Bains Elemtary School
13. First movie you watched in a theater: first one i really remember is 101 Dalmations but i think there were some before then
14. First thing you really saved up money for: minni mouse comforter set when i lived in louisiana

the wonderful government of the US

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 03:26:39 GMT

Well as of earlier today the government can hold anyone they feel the need to as any sort of combatent. And on top of that they cannot tourture you. But do you want to know how this wonderful government defins tourture. Tourture is anything that leads to death or permanent organ failure. So pretty much as they as they don't kill you they can do whatever they want to you. it makes so much sense let me tell you. we spent an hour of one of my classes today talking about this. so yeah the us government and subsidaries can do whatever they want to you, this is including waterboarding, placing electrodes on your genetiles. And thanx to the people we elected this is how it is going to be. the president has way to much power right now because this act also gave him the right to not disclose anything about why a person is being held or where they are being held. if you are an american citizen and you get sweeped away by this act you pretty much lose your liberties and freedoms as a citizen. and because no one knows where you are for the most part and if they do know they can't say anything you can't take suit against hte government for holding you with no said charges. so many of the laws that have stood in this country since it was founded are down the drain. and what pisses me off even more is the democrates sat there and let this happen and didn't try to fillibuster it so it would not get voted on until the next session and with elections just over a month away when congress reconveens there would be a different dynamic and the outcomes would hopefully be different. because these people cannot bring suit against the government for their actions the likelihood of this ever going to the supreme court is so small. you might think that family members could bring the suit but they have no idea what happened to their loved ones or anything. this government of this country has become way to powerful. who knows they might want to sweep me away for saying all of this stuff and they would probably do the same to everyone that was in my religion in american law class today. that is the one thing i can say good about carolina is it is a much more liberal college and i don't feel out of place when i let my political beliefs be seen in my class discussion. i know some people at state are as liberal as I am but it's nothing compared to those at carolina. having that libveral environment makes it a lot easier to discuss issues like this. b/c at state in a rel or poli sci class most professors tell you not to bring in what you believe on the issue because of the arguements that would ensue. my political beliefs make up a lot of my academic opinions because of what I study because I don't see how i could be republican and study what i study to the extend i study it.
so yeah in short i really hope that sometime in the near future this act gets revoked because it is denying people the 3 things the preamble of the declaration of indepence said it would protect:life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Yeah I'd like to see how your life can be preserved when the government staches electrodes to your genetails or when they send you to former soviet contries to let your arm be placed into a vat of boiling oil so they hear what they want to hear. Over 600 years ago when the persicution and tourture of witches in europe started many Priest figured out that tourture does not work because anyone will say anything to stop the pain. why can't people see that today. it does not work if they say something it isn't always true they just want to live.
i would really like to see someone on rescom write a resolution for this next summer at ACS because those kids need to know what their government is doing.
i think today my hopes for a government free of coruption and of limited power got shot down the drain. we need some fuckin crazy ass liberals in congress to stop this shit.

time

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 16:11:54 GMT

Here i am sitting in philosophy 375, which is ethics, on my laptop updating this thing. This is kinda rediculus. Tonight I was going to try and get dinner with Tim after my class at unc but wait unity concert is tonight and il ove the grains so i must go hear them and some of the other groups. hopefully them and pack it up will be towards the beginning so i can leave early. but yes wouldn't this mean i miss the season premiere of grey's anatomy, yeah it does thankgoodness for vcr's. gotta record it and watch it tomorrow when i get back from campus. and then the other day anna invites me to something else. 4 things to do in one night is crazy, but it is my way of life nowadays. saturday i have three things to do at the same time. camp sing-a-long with conference kids is at 4 15 min from my apartment but i have to report at 2 for the game with band. and my little cousin's birthday party is at 2 as well. prioritizing is a big thing and i hate having to do it. i am no longer an officer is ASRC so i am no longer obligated to be at things but i'll probably still go. i am waiting for someone at welsey to say something to be about not going to any of the bible studies, not wanting to be a part of the community service team, not having my name on the list for the beach retreat and a variety of other things my name is not a part of. extra time does not exist for me, spare moments are when i try to get a head on readings for class, but really i'm just doing readings i missed because i didn't have to write something on them. i wish i came from a family that provided for me in college so i wouldn't have to work during the semester.
i think i reached a whole new level with writing this during class, one that i hate going to because it is so boring. i'm sitting in the back corner instead of the front a desk away from the middle so i dont have to seem as interested in the lecture from a mono-toned professor who kindof talks like monk.

i don't know anymore

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 19:14:28 GMT

i am so sick of guys. for a while i liked some good guys, which isn't something i normally do since i've usually gone for the trouble makers it seems like. there is this one guy that i met a while ago that i always thought was cute and thought that was really it. then one night he kissed me and ever since then i've realized that i do like him but i don't want to get emotionally attached to him because he isn't over his hs girlfriend that broke up with him about a year ago i think. I ended up being at a party last night at his apartment and didn't know until I got there that she was going to be there. so it was a rather interesting night to say the least. i wasn't sure if i just thought i had feelings for him because of what has happened in the past couple months or if i really did like him. after last night and how bothered i was from her being there it's kinda obvious that i do like and it's not just because he kissed me. me and him really need to sit down and talk about stuff because if he doesn't feel the same way about me there is no point in anything happening again because it's just going to get harder on my part. what really sucks is i think i am emotionally attached to him partly and i really don't want to be b/c that is how i am.
if anyone had any advice for me i'd really like to hear it because i'm about to resort to talking to tyler to get advice about this one and that is kinda odd asking your best friend, who is also your ex boyfriend, for advice about your love life. but what can i say we have an odd friendship.

finally

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 09:40:26 GMT

finally 2 years after i wanted to buy a new car I did about 12 hours ago. I don't get to drive it home until monday because they have to get it inspected and everything like that before I can drive it home. But I got a 2002 honda accord, 4 door, and FIVE SPEED. YAY for manual transmissions I am so happy about that b/c I think they are so much funner to drive then an automatic.
but after saying that I must prepare to leave my apartment in 20 min so I can stop by bojangles before I have to be at the music building to load up to equipment truck for the game.

i dont know anymore

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 22:14:48 GMT

For 2 years I have thought that I wanted to have a relationship to feel love again. Lately this point has been tested. I have wanted to do things that I said I wouldn't do unless I was seeing the guy. I am to the point where I am just going to do what comes my way. It might not be what I think I want but you never know what will come of something you think you don't want. Stephanie and Aaron's relationship has proven that to be over this past 8 months. For most of you this might come as a surprise but I feel like I have given up opportunies to enjoy life in the past few years. Yes, for part of the time there were other reason why I did not take up some chances I had but if you are reading this you probably aleady know that story. and if you don't know they story sorry you'll live.
2 days of classes for me have gone by, i didn't have class on friday cause my only class will be wind ensemble when it starts back up in a week and a half. This semester I am not going to have much of a life. I am taking two 400 level religion classes and a special topics that in some ways should be a 498 instead of a 298 but oh wel, I'll survive I guess. Of i have to if I want to graduate in 3 semesters and go on to grad school. speaking of that I will be taking the GRE in janurary or february and I have already started to prepare myself for this. Because I have never been a strong person in the verbal sections of these types of test I am having to work pretty hard since I have a feeling that grad school will be looking at that part more then the math part, which is usually my strong hold on tests.
I am trying to find another job that pays more so I can work less hours and still make about the same ammount of money. With my homework load this semester I really need less work hours. In the next few weeks I think I will be able to start working on homework during my office hours as long as people don't lose their music and they better not. yeah i know its my job and everything.
i have come to the point in college that I have realized in my first 3 years of college I have over committed myself to some things and I am really going to have to take a step down from some things. I am on the ballot for heart of carolina crysalis for a college board person and I have realized that I am not going to be able to do that, partly because of school work and partly because I am not going to be in the area for the length of the term and forgot about that when someone talked to me about being nominated.
don't plan on me updating this too much this semester but if you need me before december your best bet is to call me

i'm still alive

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 12:32:05 GMT

if you are wondering why i dropped off the face of the earth 2 weeks ago it is because of marching band. a week before band camp started I was workin on getting all the music copied and sorted since that is my job and I get money for doing it. then this past monday band camp started and if the band has to be there I have to be there. so yeah i'm bored of bored at this point of band camp. the semester starts on wednesday and I am not sure how ready for it I am. it should be my second to last semester but stuff happened and i have two semesters after this one. i have been thinking about when I am going to enroll in grad school. I might end up doing it in jan 2008 instead of waiting for the fall semester to roll around. yes i know it's crazy for a southern girl to be thinking about heading up north for grad school in the middle of winter. but i gotta do what i gotta do.
the kenny chesney concert was amazing to say the least. jake owen was great i went out and bought his cd the next day after work and there isn't a bad song on it. i actually listen to the whole cd and not skip around to the good songs. i dont think this has ever happened when i bought a cd.
for thos of you who care i should be sending out a my life email in the next few weeks so everyone knows what has been goin on in my life. but for now i'm going to try and lay out some by the pool

what i love

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 20:49:02 GMT

i did this summer and i feel like doing it again. beloow is a list of things i love and what you do is post a comment saying what you love about me

i love out of the dryer sheets
i love conference kids to death
i love diet dew
i love the beach
i love the calming affect of listening to waves crashing
i love music
i love playing my clarinet
i love my friends
i love people who listen to me on tough days
i love vodka
i love kenny chesney
i love spooning
i love hugs
i love making out
i love being able to buy my on booze now
i love the smell of camp fires
i love victoria's secret
i love to read for fun
i love having my aunt christine living near me
i love watching my godson
i love babysitting
i love sleep
i love JEELLLOOOO
i love my friends who would do anything for me
i love my herritage
i love pop corn
i love $3 student night at coldstone
i love $1 well drinks night at rum runners
i love singing in the shower
i love to dance
i love watching the sunset
i love walking on the beach
i love the feeling of sand between my toes
i love getting back massages
i love camping in the mountains in the middle of summer
i love seeing rainbows after a rainstorm
i love spending time with those i love
i love watching LSU football

but now for what i miss to make it different from last summer
i miss going to all the high school soccer games
i miss not having to do homework and making A's
i miss seeing regan and larry everyday
i miss being able to go to the beach whenever i want to
i miss going to ricky's grave after a hard day
i miss the cartoons they had when we were little
i miss the old nickelodian shows
i miss bedtimes stories
i miss goodnight kisses
i miss dreaming of fairytails and thinking they would come true
i miss not knowing how bad the world is
i miss dance
i miss swim team in the summers
i miss the southport waterfront
i actaully do miss southport in some ways
i miss having a boyfriend
i miss skipping school to go check out the surfers at wrightsville
i miss drinkin at the lb pier
i miss the soccer guys from high school
i miss not having OCD
i miss wishing wells
i miss walking to the beach pantry for a soda
i miss 59 cent 20 oz bottles of sun drop from roses

so yeah i'm sure there are a lot more things that i love or miss but i can't think of them right now but tell me what u love about me

religion

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 04:47:50 GMT

5 years ago I was in the process of deciding if I wanted to stay with the catholic church since I had just been confermed there and wasn't really sure what my faith was. growing up i had a religious experience that not many people have. my mom was catholic and therefore when she married a non catholic she pretty much had to promise to raise any offspring in the church. well she did that and upon my brothers birth they had us baptized catholic. when we were old enough to understand that mommy and daddy went to seperate churches we were given the chance to attend what we would like at either church. i started attending youth group at the methodist church that my dad went to in southport in middle school. i had gone to bible school and whatnot there when i was younger and been involved with some other things there. about 2 1/2 months into my junior year in high school some things happened at the catholic church youth group that made me not want to be a part of it and started attending the youth group at the methodist church completely and not swapping back and forth on a weekly basis. i still went to mass on occasion for the next 6 monthes or so. then around the time tyler and i dated that year i realized that i just did not feel like i should even be going to mass because it did not seem my beliefs were near what most catholics believe. my whole senior year i went to service and sunday school at the methodist church in southport. i felt in place there, i had larry there. at the catholic church there weren't any guys that i was really close to and i think that was part of what got me aggervated because in high school i might have been a dance but i loved being one of the guys. summer after i graduated i wasn't able to go to church that much because of where i was working i worked most sunday mornings and there wasn't really anything i could do to get out of doing that. going into college i thought i knew what my beliefs were and oh how they have changed. i have discovered that i have a problem with institutionalized religion, yes big religious study major term right there. yes i know this seems odd because i am part of a methodist campus ministry and for the past two summers i have staff methodist youth events. i'm not saying i lost my faith or anything like that but i have come to believe that you do not need a church to have faith. yes it is good to have friends and be around people who share your same religious beliefs but it does not have to be in a church. i have come to realize that i am to liberal for many churches at this point in time. churches are slowing accepting homosexuals to attend their church and be a part of the church but this is what is written and it isn't always practiced which really pisses me off. but the churches and the state will not allow homosexuals to get married. sorry but no matter who you are and who you love you should be able to marry that person and no one should be able to stop you. i have a good number of friends who are of this lifestlye and i'm not going to lie and say i never feel uncomfortable when i am hanging out with two guys who show their affection for eachother because sometimes i do feel uncomfortable because of the worldi grew up in. churches tell you that the behavior is wrong and some even try and say that the bible says all this stuff about homosexuality but someone please show me where jesus says anything about it...oh wait dont bother trying you aren't going to find it.
tonight i was leading an interest group at acs, and i will be doing the same tomorrow night, where high schoolers get to ask some of us college kids questions about college. and this one girl that was in there was so worried about keeping her faith when she got to college and finding a church or ministry to be a part of and i just wanted to say you don't have have to a church or campus ministry to keep your faith in college. situations arise and you are going to be the minority. so what if one of the greatest friends you make in college doesn't have the same religious beliefs that you have. you can come to discover in college that the faith you were raised in isn't the one for you anymore. why do you want to try and keep what you have now. if you try to keep yourself the same person you are right now when you get to college you are going to hate it because you will not mature like most people do when they go off to college. why be worried about being at a school where weed is very popular at, it is at every college in this country and you cannot aviod it. the people you least expect will have either tried it a few times or use it on a regular basis. there is a lot more to college then finding a church or religious people to socialize with. i really think some of these people wanted to just find those people and be around just those type of people and if you do that you are going to hate it becaue you are going to only be around people who are like you. that is what high school was for to an extent. yes i know this seems odd for me to be saying b/c i do go to a campus ministry and i am around people who have similar beliefs to mine on a regular basis but in my group of friends there are people who i have had conversations with that have gone from going to church every sunday to being agnostic where they know there is a higher power but they dont know what beliefs are them.
yes some of my opinion has come from my major because of what my focus is on. really we were not there just to get asked questions about church in college because that is not what college is about. colege is about finding out who you really are, and that might include a change or no change in your faith, and becoming an intellect. i never thought 3 years ago i would be using the terms new religious movements and institutionalized religion, and mainstream christianity because then in my mind if you didn't go to a protestant or catholic church you weren't christian. but i have learned that there are people who have some of the most interesting beliefs and get their ideas from the same text that my faith comes from. 3 years ago i would have called these nrms "cults" because that is how we grew up hearing them on the news.
ok i am really going on a rant now because i am fustrated with people and this is what i do when that happens and i'm tired. so i am sorry if this doesn't make sense to you because i'm so tired when i am writing this but if you comment LEAVE your name if you do not have lj because if you dont this will be the last time i ever allow people to leave comments period.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 05:20:59 GMT

here i sit 23 hours away from turning 21 where after one day of wanting to be carded i won't want to be carded up until i'm 40 so i'll feel young again. and from what i've heard birthdays just aren't as great after this one unless you get spoiled by whoever...ie my older brother got a football game ticket from me for his a couple weeks ago.

but i was sitting here and thinking about everything that has happened this last 21 years. there has been a lot and i couldn't imagine naming everything that has happened because i don't remember all of it. i know with in days of being born I met one of the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for. yes, we've had some interesting times but our friendship has survived pretty much everything. in louisiana my love for dance began and i met some friends that i didn't talk to for 14 years and now can't wait to have time to go see them again. i moved to nc and met a guy who became one of my best friends by the time we graduated high school and no matter how much i bitch about him being protective it is nice to have someone watching out for you like he does. Around then i met someone who was one of my best girl friends for years but after recent events I have come to realize I gave most of that friendship and didn't get near as much in return. I met regan who like the two guys has been there for me through everything from parents spliting to horrid summer jobs to break ups and everything inbetween plus some. She is the one girl I met in elementary school that I still talk to on a regular basis. middle school came and how i don't miss those days. all the drama and feelings of the world is better off without me can stay there. high school was another interesting experience. however in middle school i did meet two girls who have become some of my closest friends. high school was full of ups and downs but i made it through it ontop of everything else in my life that happened then. by the time istarted 10th grade i was waiting for my parents to split even though I didn't get the talk about it until the end of 10th grade. i lost a dear friend that summer, whom will always be in my heart. i loved for the first time and got my heart broken for the first time but by different guys. i surived my parents divorce with help from larry, regan, and tyler more then anything because they aren't afraid to tell me anything like it is and i have become who I am in large part to them. i went to chrysalis and met kelly who has been there for so many things in the 3 1/2 years i've known her. by the time i graduated high school i had been through more things emotionaly then most people can handle.
college came and it has been a ride. i have gotten over my shy ways and made plenty of friends. i have learned who my true friends from growing up where. i have experienced love that isn't returned. i have lost my grandmother. i have learned to stick up for myself and not let people walk all over me like I used to. from coming here my first year and really wondering what i was doing at a college this size and not sure if i was suppose to be here i have come a long way in 3 years. i love this school so much and so many of the friends i have made have helped me out in many hard times. sometimes it might have just been a cold wash cloth to sober me up or listening to me crying because i realized i was holding onto some things for nothing. as kelly has told me I have become more open minded. i have become a new me. that jessianne who hung out with the guys all the time in high school is no longer who i am. i don't just shop because i'm a girl i shop because i love it. i have girls nights. hell i love the color pink and i hated it growing up. i have learned that even with all these changes there are still going to be guys who meet me and come to see me as one of the guys and it kills me to be honest. i have learned sometimes we do things we can't afford at the time because oppurtunities arise and we can't always turn them down or we wont have much to look back on when we get old. i have finally gotten a big brother, yes i know he's technically a step-brother but we don't refer to eachother as that. the night of the wedding he was calling me his sister. i've learned and seen that love makes you do crazy things. i have somewhat learned when to keep my mouth shut. most importantly i have discovered me. i have learned my political views. i have discoverd interest that i never knew I had.

as the clock ticks by i realize how tired i am getting and at the same time how long i wonder i will be able to stay at sammys since i'm not the night owl i used to be.

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 03:05:43 GMT

2 post in one day i know this is scary

but i've realized something today about two different people. one of whom hates the other and the hate probably goes both way since the other is the protective big brother type and doesn't like people who piss me off. i realized this in invitations to my party I have made. Tyler, my ex-boyfriend and the one friend i've had since i was born, is now engaged to a girl named Kristen. Before I go farther, I am happy for him because he has found someone who makes him happy. I am not hurt by this like many of you would think or like i thought i would feel 6 months ago. I have sent tyler a myspace message inviting not just him to my party but kristen as well. Kristen and I have not met yet and it has to happen one day, when I am shit faced off jello shots might not sound like the best thing but Tyler is a true friend to me and if I invite him it is nice to invivte Kristen because of their status. True if this were to be Lisa I could not invite her because she hates me. But obviously no matter what the past is between me and it is obvious that Tyler is happy with Kristen and there is nothing I could imagine doing that would risk that. And if Kristen has any issues with Tyler and I's past she will have to come to her terms with those issues because friendships don't need to be lost because of relationships.
And that brings me to the person I did not invite. Amanda said she was my best friend for years and then Justin came along and that is her life. I know that it is more then just me that she has not been in great contact with over the past two years. From what me and this other person has discussed when me and this person are in brunswick county she makes no effort to try and see us really anymore. Therefore I have come to the decision that the "friendship" I had with her growing up is no longer worth my time. I could care less about telling her I will be down there on tuesday or even invited her to my birthday party. Why should I bother if she won't make the effort. Me and this other person both go to state and in 3 years she has never been up to see 2 people she said were some of her best friends for years. Makes perfect sense to me.
So yeah I have come to the conclusion that it's said I would rahter have my ex boyfriend and his fiance and my birthday party then the girl who said she was my best friend for years.
about the party if you are reading this you are probably one of my good friends and are invited so let me know if you are coming.

interesting night

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 17:55:46 GMT

so last night i ended up over at steph's for davids going away party even though i'd only meet him a couple times and she's glad i was there b/c if i wasn't she would have been the only girl. but it was an interesting night to say the least. two of his buddies were over there along with another guy that we know. well for a while one of davids buddies was like when andrew gets here we need to play flip cup so we have even teams well andrew got there and the plans changed because andrew mentioned that he had fireworks that he had gotten when they went to sc back during spring break. before they started with that they decided to put a cd in the microwave. and the pyro maniancs took over. they were using emtpy bear bottles to launch some of the fireworks from and then they the put one of the bottle rockets(i think) into an apple that they had cut a hole in i have to admit it was pretty neat to see an apple explode from a firework. then came the roman candles where they were shooting up at first and trying to knock bear bottles off the railing with. and then it got really interesting they recided to light the fuse on the roman candle set it on the porch facing the slidding glass door and shut the door really fast and let it hit the door. in the middle of all of this a hole was cut in a lighter and then they lit it and it looked like a cnadle while all the light fluid burned. and before they did that they flint wasn't working so it just light off the gas when u tried to light it and they would hold it into a beer bottle and then hold up a working lighter to let the gas burn off. many broken glass bottles sit on the porch at stephs house and i really hope one of the guys will clean them up for her. but yeah all of this and i only had 3 bitch beers and then was too tired to drive home. lets not forget my watermelon cakes were a hit and fun to make so i gotta make some more of them for something..maybe take some into work for everyone one day this week.

headin down to southport tomorrow evening still not sure where i am staying though cause i know i could stay at margarets but i dont want to be woken in the middle of the night from the baby crying and everything. tuesday i am going to go to the pancake breakfest at trinity and who knows i might end up having to help out with that and everything. gonna try and catch some of the parade with larry and then maybe lunch with larry, im not really sure cause he hasn't called back since he's ghetto like that. then im headin down to sunset beach for a little while to see dads family. then if i dont stay at margarets i have to stop by and see the baby. then i might stop by and see my ho before i head back to raleigh and yeah i wanna go see some fireworks somewhere tuesday night so if anyone wants to walk to the fairgrounds with me for them let me know cause those are in walking distance from my apartment

what i've learned

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 22:53:45 GMT

So I have done some thinking this week about the events of last weekend. Everything that happened was just waiting to happen. Those of who I talked to about it before last weekend you know stuff had been irritating me for a while. One of my friends told me I need to say something to the chick cause so much stuff had accumulated since I got to college. I know I am better off with out her friendship prolly more then I am better off with being just friends with some people. Losing a friend like this does take some time to heal from. This was the person I called my best friend for years and now I could care less about talking to her. Most of you know that I hold onto things much longer then I should in many situations and I just got sick of holding on in hope this person wouldchange. One day they are going to wake up and need the friends they had growing up and none of them are going to be there for them because of the choices they had made. I had heard this before but ever since hunter put it on the senior wall in april it has been in head, i dont remember the first part but the last half said something like "never forget your roots" to some people this means never forget your family but to many people your roots are not only your family but the friends you had for years and years growing up. Those are the friends that make the biggest impact on your life and it is wise to keep those friends close. Yes, everyone goes on with their lives and make new friends but you have to keep the old ones because they are your roots. I know there are 3 people I could not have gotten the far in college if they had not been there for me through everything I've delt with. One i've known since I was born and the other two I have known since elementary school. These three people are my roots in many ways because they were the ones there for me with everything I delt with in high school as well. Life without them as friends does not seem possible because w/o their support I don't know where I would be right now or where I could end up ten years from now. I've made some great friends in college that are dear to my heart but childhood friends will always be with me. These 3 people I don't talk to everyday but I know when I need something they will be there for me, they will be the first people to know life changes that happen in my life. Sometimes these people have known stuff that I was dealing with long before anyone else knew b/c I knew they cared and would support my decisions.

One of the biggest things I have learned in college is that I have found who I am at this point in my life. In high school I thought my political views were what they were because my mom is a democrate but I have since discovered that my views are much more liberal then hers because of my interest in life. I have discovered my true friends, those from high school that have stayed in touch with me because they appriciate my friendship. I have realized I am a lot more open minded then I was when I came to college. When I got to college I never thought 3 years later one of the guys I talk to the most of my phone is gay. He is an awesome friend though and I am so glad I have opened myself up to learning about all these different ways of living. I've seen more then I ever would have in brunswick county and I have learned from so many things I have seen. I have learned to appriciate my mom, in high school it was annoying to have her at everything from girl scouts to band trips but now I am glad she was there. If she hadn't been such a part of my life before my parents split I think I would have felt more alone. I have learned to be more friendly and not so shy. One reason I hated state my first year is because I didn't make that many friends but now I have friends in my major which gives me people to talk to in my classes and I have my group of girls. That's something people never thought I would have but I do and it's great in many ways. I'm learning that no matter how hard I try to not be one of the guys no matter where I go there will always be some guy(s) that see me as one of them and there is nothing I can do to change that. I've had my heart broken a couple times and learned from it. 10 months ago I would have told you I never wanted to love a guy again but now that I've realized how over that guy I am I hope the next guy I fall in love with sees my past for what it is my past and doesn't try to hold any of it against me. I've learned that sometimes its fun to go out and do something you don't have the money to do.

Most of all I have become me. I have become someone most never thought I would become. I left a lot of my past behind me and created a new me that is ready to face the world and whatever i puts in my face. It still takes me a while to say something to someone who irritates me but I don't keep it in as much as I used to. I have made some great friends that are dear to my heart and I am going to miss them when I go off to grad school.o

So I think I had too much time to think this week but oh well.

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 12:52:05 GMT

i've said for years the one thing i'm scared of, besides thunder, is losing a good friend. well i might not of lost a good friend to death but i have lost a good friend and i know this sounds bad but ever since i got to college i've been losing this friend and i just can't take shit anymore.

just a bit of advice to everyone who might read this...if the friendship you have with me means anything to you, you better give in it to and not expect me to give everything. friendship works both ways.

whats been up

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 18:44:06 GMT

in the past few weeks lifes been going for the most part. been workin during the week and relaxing on weekends since i don't get to do that during the school year. already look at some apartments for next year and we are going to look at some more before we decide on one...we found one we really like but we don't want to decide yet and everything. raleigh sucks over the summer yet again. atleast this summer people i hang out with on a regular basis are in town so i've been hangin out with steph a lot but that isn't much of a surprise. until i move i'll be going around the different apartments that have pools in the afternoons with steph most of the time unless i find other people to go with. the boyfriend "search" is still the same old stuff. i like a guy and don't know how to read into things he says or does and i'm too chicken to make a move and i have no idea how to get over that chickenness. maybe if i hadn't been hurt by most guys in the past i liked that i was involved with i wouldn't be so scared. so yeah if anyone can give me any advice about how to approach a guy let me know and i'll love ya forever. i babysat my little cousin for about a week since his grandparents were out of town. i was able to do this since i ended up not going to mississippi and louisiana because of my back. what it is looking like now is i fractured my back a long time ago and something i did made it start bothering me again. i'm still lookin for a second job for the summer and as soon as i get that i'm buying a car. i think now instead of the cougar i am going to get a 2002 focus. the two are about the same price but with the focus model i want i get 28 city mpg and 36 highway mpg so yeah see what it's worth it plus the insurance will be a little bit cheeper since it's a 4 door car and the model is still being made something the cougar doesn't have.
still counting down until my 21st bday next month. not really sure where i am going to go out the night of my bday but i have decided that that night i am not going to get wasted...that has happened enough in the past and it will probably happen again after my bday but with my meds i can't drink a lot even if i don't take them for a little while before my birthday and everything.
if ur in raleigh at all over the summer give me a call
i'm going to see kenny chesney with steph and emily august 12th and we might end up with backstage/vip passes we just have to wait and see what happens with someone steph knows and if they can get them for us

Bookstaer's Lament

Sat, 20 May 2006 20:27:19 GMT

Well, I work in the library
All day putting books away
Some Patrons think I'm scary
And give me funny looks

Or ask "hey can you help me
I can't find this on the shelf"
Just stay here and I'll tgo see
If I can't find it my danged self!

You waited to retunr them
Until your last exam
We'll be backed up, til July
The departments in a jam

Today I worked 900 hours
and got paid 50 cent
Tonight I'll be sleepin in some flowers
Cuz I couldn't pay the rent

I give a joyous yell
for quitten time is near
Gonna hunt the happy trail
And get up out of here

But bossman, don't you cry
Just put away your sorrow
for my bank account is dry
I'm coming back tomorrow!

~A gruntled employee

someone i work with wrote this and posted it up for everyone to see

so yeah think about all the shit we do just so you can get the book you need to check out

Fri, 05 May 2006 05:27:04 GMT

so it's been a couple weeks since this has been official but out of all the girls that i hang out with at state i'm the only fuckin single one and it sucks. i really hate this. one of the girls makes me so sick cause the few times we actually see her without her fiance there she always talks about how wonderful he is and blahblahblah. don't get me wrong i'm happy for my friends because they have found people that make them happy but it does not help my ego at all. at the same time no matter where i go i get checked out by guys but done that i would ever date. for once i want a guy to come up to me who's my type of guy, who wants to get to know me beyond what i look like. i'm sorry but it's not flattering when you are in a parking lot with your windows down and some guy walks past and asks if he has a chance. i hate that shit so much. one guy that i am pretty good friends with is always commenting on how cute i look on any given day and it is nice to hear that stuff from someone that knows me but why can't it be from a guy i like and would date. i feel more comfortable drinking around gay guys at this point in my life because then i don't have to be a bitch when some guy starts hitting on me. yeah, at parties i'm one hell of a bitch when a guy hits on me i can be completely sober and do this so it can't be blamed on alcohol. i can flirt with any guy i am friends with but that is all it is..flirting. i feel like even if i like the guy nothing is going to come of it. i am getting so sick of this. sometimes i wonder what would have happened with the guy i "dated" my freshmen year if i hadn't kept myself from getting emotionaly involved and stopped things before that could happen. but at the same time i look at that and yeah it felt nice at the time to get called sexy by a guy that actually knows me but that's not how i want a guy to see me. i want a guy to see me as beautiful and for who I am not and not what i look like in certain outfits. i want a guy i can sit there on the couch with and watch a movie and just cuddle. i wanna spoon damnit. i want that emotional connection with a guy that i have really only had once in my life. i want to love again. having so many friends in loves makes me miss it so much. i want to find the person i'll spend the rest of my life with. i want someone to kiss me goodnite and cook me dinner. i want someone to be there as more then a friend when i've had a bad day. i want to be able to join in the conversation when people are talking about the person they are dating. i hate being around those conversations. what just doesn't help all of these feelings is there are two people close to me who are married. they are married and i have had one boyfriend in my whole fuckin life. i wish guys would stop seeing me as one of the guys. i've tried to change so much so i am not seen as that but it doesn't matter it always happens. that feeling hits hard when guys call or im me to make sure i have heard the latest sports news. i am so miserable because of all of this. the people i'm always around are so fuckin happy and it makes me sick. i constantly have to see and be reminded of what i don't have and haven't had for so long. the little things make such a difference. it would be wonderful to have someone other then family members to call and make sure i'm up for certain things, to have someone to just go on a walk with. i think i am a very simple person and i'm not that hard to please but why can't i meet a guy that sees me as more then one of the guys. seriously it would be nice to get kisses on my check from a straight guy more then from gay guys i am friends with. yeah that is actually sad when you think about, it really is. the last real kiss i had was almost a year ago. it might have been a kiss i wish had never happened but it did and i can't change what went on between me and him but i want to find what i had with him when i was 16 with another guy. i want to go for a walk on the beach, have stupid conversations and nonsense and do all of it while falling in love. i want someones besides childhood friends to talk to for hours on the phone when we aren't near eachother. i don't even know how many guys i've liked this semester but for reasons unknown to me stuff just hasn't worked out like i thought it would when i started to like the guys. sometimes i think i'm just as stupid as guys i have to be told in the simplist words that a guy likes me. i can't tell shit about a guy that i like but for some reason i can usualy pick up on a guy that likes me that i don't like. that does not make any sense to me. so if by chance ur a guy reading this and you like me tell me...what do you have to lose seriously. i don't think you could loose near what i have lost emotionaly because of guys. i know i act like i have so much self confidence but i don't. maybe i would if i could find a guy who sees me as beautiful and wants to get to know me for who i am. i don't want to be the third wheel when i'm hanging out with friends anymore. yeah that's what i feel like most of the time. i know people don't mean to make me feel that way but the only way for me not to feel that way is for me to never hang around anyone. that's pretty much the only way. there is one girl i am good friends with that is single and she's become one of my best friends in the 3 years i've known her but she doesn't go to State and i hardly get to see her so i really can't hang out with a girl and do single stuff.

yeah i know i'm ranting because i can't sleep and i'm lonely as all get out. for once i just want to find a guy who sees me for me and is willing to look beyond my past and take a chance.

i'm lost

Tue, 02 May 2006 05:45:33 GMT

lately i have had so many questions come up in my life. in december one of the girls i grew up with got married, from what i have gathered they went to the court house. this was the girl that for years we always told eachother we'd be eachothers maid of honor and whatnot when we got married. well shit changes bigtime. i have yet to be outright told they got married and nonetheless the date they got married. i know it was around christmas but that is all i know. i get this information from myspace. this is someone who called me their best friend for years and now i feel like i am the only one giving in the friendship. besides kayla, who i just got back in touch with last semester, this is the one girl i've known the longest. yeah you look at me and regan and think they've known eachother forever, and 4th grade isn't forever, i've known tyler forever. another thing about this one friend when this one guy is dating this girl he has been dating off and on for years all i hear is how stuck up her ass he is. i find this so interesting since i hardly hear from her and her now husband is in iraq right now. wouldn't you want to talk to the friends you've had for a long time and not girls that are dating/married to guys your husband is stationed with. yes they know what she is going through however she puts these new friends above the ones she has had since elementary school. another thing that really gets on my nerves is when she says that i care too much about what peopole think about me when i'm not the one who has to wear make up everyday of my life and i'm not the one who bitches about my weight and wear a size 7/8. i would give anything to wear that size pant, and yes i'm workin on it for my own good there's too many health problems in my family for me to not get my weight in check at this age. she is one of the people that was there for me when my parents split but she's also one of the main people that hates tyler. lets say that in the world i once dreamed of i was engaged right now and getting married next summer since i was suppose to graduate may 2007 i wouldn't want her as even a brides maid. i don't know how many times i've told her to come up here for a weekend cause she doesn't need to be in brunswick county every weekend like she is.

i wanna go back to fuckin kindergarden(sp??). so what if i didn't talk to Kayla for 13 1/2 years she is a better friend to me right now then this other person is. why the hell did i have to move to nc in the middle of first grade. throughout college i have weeded out so many of my friends from southport and there are only a handfull i talk to on a regular basis, others if i'm down there and see them i talk to them but thats it. it is interesting that a good number of the people i'm still really good friends are those that moved to brunswick county at some point, implants to that hell hole tend to stick together. i don't have 2 hour phone calls with anyone from there just tyler and kayla. and me and tyler don't even have them like we used to, but you have a lot more to talk about when you are dating someone. larry and regan are the two people that i met in elementary school that have stuck with me through everything. they are the people i have to see when i'm in southport. hell larry was the first friend to know my parents split and he knew it was going to happen before it happened. some other people knew but they knew from my mom.

yeah there's been a lot of stuff i've been questioning lately if you haven't noticed and maybe it's good who really knows. but i do know that people need to figure out what they want from me with friendships cause one day they might wake up and not have one with me anymore.

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	delicious
Your hugs are...	warm
Your eyes...	burn into my heart
Your touch is...	irresistable
Your smell is...	refreshing
Your smile is...	hypnotising
Your love is...	everlasting